To cheat or not to cheat?

From what I have noticed in my rather short life span, when relationships begins to fail, we fight even harder to try to keep it together, as if to tell ourselves that we can do it. And no matter how many things go a-wall. we still stick around. I'm not sure what it is about human nature that leads us in this direction of life. But for some odd reason, we never really leave until the boat has already sank. Why are we programmed in such a way, that we cause most of our own pain and agony? It fascinates me. And although I don't really believe in cheating, sometimes that's really the only option left. When ever I feel like the earth is just crumbling under my feet, for some reason I always think about the opening monologue of one of my favorite movies : LOVE ACTUALLY.
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion is starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed. I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge. They were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love, actually is, all around.”
In between my episodes of crying, fighting, reconciling, apologizing and deciding that I'm going to try one more, one last time. I clear my head. And I start all over again.
To be honest, my current relationship began as a " friendship" and X and I deiced that it was just a way for us to hang out and watch movies, while keeping each other company.
But as days went on...physical activity escalated, and what should have stayed a friendship turned in to something else...like those kinda things always do.
And now, eight painful months later, everything hangs on a very thin string. The problem is that I can't leave him just yet. No matter how much I want to, I still love him, however, more as a friend that anything. I love his family, and he's very fragile due to depression. I hate my thoughts about a single life, since I just drag myself down. I know what happiness feels like, and I miss it. But for now, that's life. Or at least it was until last night.
And I know that some of you might have cruel and opinionated things to say, but hear ( or read in this case) me out.
Last spring, when I was still Mr. X free, I had a couple of relationships that narrowed down what it is I wanted from life. And although some really hurt to leave, others decided that even after they ended, the person would be imprinted in to my mind.
So last night, I texted an ex just to say hello. After the breakup we'd reconciled our differences and just kept it on a "hello-goodbye" basis. But last night, in almost 10 months, we decided that a drink was in order. Unfortunately, the meeting was only possible by lying. Which I hate to have to do, but I needed a breath of fresh air, a break.
I drove over to my ex's house. And what I was not prepared for is all of the previous emotions returning. I parked my car in the same spot, just as I had months beofre, and walked through the front gate. He was standing right there. Watching, silently but kindly. I manged to keep my emotions together through a brief-hello, and lit a cigarette to calm myself.
" since when do you smoke"
"I smoked when we were together"
Silence
We talked about things, about people, about life.
We watched a movie. Everything came back.
We had no contact all night, even the passage of the drinks was interrupted by a table.
But the connection was there, just as it had been there the time before.

When we first met, it was the best day of my life. Honestly. We drove all over LA, saw the city from the Hollywood Hills, and there was a moment where it all just seemed perfect.
His gentle hand held mine , I was trully happy.
the romance ended rather abruptly, cince he didn't want a relationship due to one previously ending. But he was always in my mind.
As horrible as I feel about lying to Mr. X, I also feel a rush of extacy.

As O walked me to my car, he stood there without a word. But he's eyes were doing all the talking. I stood allong his side, silent but soaring high.
We parted with a hug, a smile and a see ya later rather than goodbye.